Why I Don't Use Time Outs

I don't use them for a few reasons.

First off, my daughter is an only child - always will be, so I don't see the point of sending her off to be by herself (especially characterizing that as a punishment or consequence or however we want to call it). She's by herself too much already, I'm afraid.

Also, I think it kind of works in the reverse. Her "bad" behavior is usually in response to a request or instruction from me. I don't want to give her an "out" of whatever it is that we need to be doing at the moment. As in real life - we just, sometimes, have to power through.

And that leads to the next reason: time-outs aren't "natural consequences." I know some people think that yelling at a friend will end up making that friend go away and so the separation of time-out mimics that consequence - I don't think my dd could make that connection, and I don't think that's really how it works in real life. What happens, I think, is that things escalate because people don't know how to harness their emotions or control their impulses or whatever. That's what I want to help my daughter learn to do, so, staying inside of the situation gives me a better teaching opportunity. Sure, it can be hard on my ears/emotions/headache/whatever, but I do think that it's a much more productive way of parenting.

All that said, I do ask my daughter sometimes if she needs some rest when she's behaving in a way that's not appropriate (and I reluctantly use that word, because I think "bad" behavior is appropriate as children learn to navigate the world - I don't think we should encourage it, of course, but I do think it's developmentally appropriate). Sometimes she does need a few minutes alone, talking to her animals (her toys).

GD+SN=?????????

I think a lot about how special needs parenting forces us to give up so many of my "crunchy" ideals. And I'm wondering, now, if gentle discipline is one of those things we have to give up.

VeeGee has GERD and has thrown up pretty much constantly since she was born until she had a nissen fundo in January. Thankfully that ended the vomiting. And, for the first time, we can see inside of her mouth without her completely clenching her teeth. I know it might seem ridiculous, but we've just never been able to fight her hard enough to be able to see inside her mouth without her throwing up. But now we can.

Anyhow, we've discovered that her teeth are almost black - likely from the acid and the "neglect" and the massive amounts of antibiotics. SO, we've decided to start brushing them. And you'd think we were torturing her.

I'm used to torturing her, to her screaming in pain or agony or fury. I HAVE to do horrible things like give her breathing treatments, change her trach (until last month), clean/rotate her mickey button, oh, and change her diaper. I have to hold her down, probably hurting her, when nurses change her IVs, take her blood pressure, her temperature, her ears.

And now I'm wondering just what she understands. How much am I supposed to hold her accountable (I don't even know if that's the right word) for her occasional hitting, throwing and other 'misbehaviors' - mostly mild, really? Her therapists complain about compliance, and I just don't know how much more I can push her.

How do you establish boundaries, 'rules' or whatever when you're not completely sure that your little one understands? How do you cope with people who think you spoil your child because they aren't always 'following instructions' or whatever?

Restraint?

A is now 30 months and is in a stage where she is kicking us during diaper changes, and when we have to do things to care for her special needs (she has a feeding tube and doesn't want anyone to touch it - though we, obviously, have to). I have been trying the "be gentle with your feet" tactic and have seen some response, but, at a certain point, I just find myself having to restrain her just to get the diaper on.

I guess my question is if restraint qualifies as gentle discipline. I know it can't feel good to her, and I'm terribly concerned about it hurting her, but I just don't know what else to do. I try to keep the restraint as brief as possible and I absolutely don't express any anger or anything - it's just a means to an end.

The other question is whether or not it's appropriate to *force* her to walk with me to do this or that (like clean up or coming out of a room she's not supposed to be in or that sort of thing). I try very hard to hold her in such a way that she can't dislocate her shoulder or anything dangerous while I (almost) drag her to whatever place or away from whatever place. I know I could just pick her up to remove her, which is what I do in emergency. But this is for when I'm trying to teach her to move away from (or toward) something that she doesn't want to do.

Structured VS. Child-Led

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So, for the third time in two weeks one of dd's therapists gave as "homework" 10 minutes of structured time about 8 times a day.

Somehow I'm supposed to add one more hour of "structure" to the day of a child who already spends 5 hours hooked to a feeding pump, at least 2 hours in therapy, and approximately 2 hours buckled in a car seat heading to therapy . . . . OH, and then, because she's two she's gotta take a nap. And how about family time in the backyard playing with the doggies and daddy?

Please tell me how this is supposed to work.

What the therapist is ten minutes on a start-to-finish project like stacking and playing with blocks, then cleaning up. Or matching colors on a peg-board or putting the appropriate face parts on a Mr. Potato Head. I don't know if I have the attention span for that!!!

Problem is, A is so, so independent. I like that about her, but I do see (as I'm peering through the therapy and school windows) that she's more easily distracted than other little ones her age. She doesn't like to finish stuff - a whole book is too much most of the time.

Best I can do, right now, at least, is read to her while she in the bath (after the screaming bathing part). I can *almost* "command" her attention then.