Two Peas in a Pod!

Happy Father's Day!

TMI or Not Enough?

So, yeah, it's been a while. Since last month I've been up to my eyeballs planning my 20th high school reunion. We had so much fun, but, as with most things that I plan, I do think I enjoy the planning/production a whole bunch more than the actual events. No knock on these events at all, it's just like me. Maybe it's something about living in the present versus the future. Anti-ci-pa-a-tion . . .

I'll write more about the reunion once I've really processed it, and as to VeeGee's birthday plans, that's another reason I've been away from here. K and I have been working our booties off in our yard to get ready for A BIRTHDAY PARTY, to which we've invited as many of our friends as we can afford so that we'll be surrounded by people that love US, and value our parenthood of VeeGee. I hope everyone comes!

And in other news:

We had a fun day yesterday! I was driving on the interstate (70mph) and looked in the rearview mirror to see VeeGee turning blue/purple/red and coughing. I knew she'd been playing with a ring of mine, but I never worry about her putting anything, much less a ring, in her mouth, so I let her play. Anyway, I pulled over PRONTO (god help me!) and she started to calm down a bit. I asked her if she swallowed my ring and she said she had. Of course, with a typical kid, you just know you'll be digging through poop for the next few days. But not us, huh?!

I called her pediatrician and let them know that I was first and foremost concerned because of her nissen. Wouldn't want the ring stuck in her esophagus. And then, second, because she doesn't poop. I didn't know if I should give her an enema or what - if that would be bad if there was something "extra" in there. The, of course, said to get to the hospital (45 min. away from where I was).

At this point she seemed fine, so I knew it wasn't in her throat (her otolaryngologist/plastic surgeon would have had a COW if I'd messed up the most recent surgery!!!!!), but still concerned about the other two possibilities. We did the X-rays (lots of fun holding down a terrified kiddo) and, guess what, they found NO RING!!!! Yay.

Except, the doctor (not her regular ped) came in very very concerned and said, "Do you know she's constipated?" I laugh to keep from cryin' ya know? But, she'd actually had two smallish poops this week, so I had not intended to do an enema (she's always distended looking, so that's hard to go by). Long story short (ha!), she was FULL of poop - like up to her lungs it looked like. Crazy. And awful.

When I said the GI was looking at the possibility of Hirschprung's, he nodded, and said, "Yep, that's what I was thinking." Great.

So, we're bumping up the suction biopsy/sigmoidoscopy to July 7th.

I feel really sad that she's so full, but she doesn't seem to notice anything. Oh, and we came straight home and, of course, did an enema. Almost nothing came out.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Why Talk About Race?

I was recently involved in a discussion about how we should talk to our children about race, and someone mentioned that she never did, that race is not relevant in her daily conversations with her children.

I don't know, but it is relevant in a lot of the kinds of conversations that I have. Perhaps that's a geographical thing, but I think that even if I lived in an area that was not overtly or constantly affected by race relations and whatnot, I'd still consider it a relevant issue. I know that it's fashionable to say that it's a non-issue because that's supposed to signal that we aren't racist, that we do not exercise prejudice in regards to the color of people's skin. But the "we" here is generally comprised by those who are historically advantaged with the LACK of concern about how their race is going to be used against them economically, socially, etc. "We" can call it a non-issue because we aren't burdened by it personally. I think that, until there is real and consistent equality of opportunity (and by opportunity, I do not mean the mythical "idea" that we can all access the "American Dream" or the "Pull-Yourself-Up-By-Your-Bootstraps" myth) in our society, then conversations about race, down to the naming issue, ARE extremely relevant.

And I talk to my daughter about it, not because I want/need to point out difference for difference sake, but because I want her to be the type of person who is aware both of the privilege that society has historically bestowed on one race at the expense of others, and the fact that she has the power to move, not past, but fully into these issues. Hopefully, she will become a person who acknowledges the differences between people and does not easily dismiss other people's very real issues as "non-issues."

Talking About Race AND Racism

We talk about race (not just racism) as a positive, as an exploration of IDENTITY, of which race is a component. We talk about it as a teaching tool about history and culture, economics and politics. Women's rights and racism are not correlatives. Sexism and Racism, however, are. Can we agree that there is a difference between talking about an a set of ideas (like racism and sexism) and about the nature of things (race and gender)? I think these discussions are critical, and do not have to be negative, as it seems the "never comes up" idea would suggest.

To me, it's an emperor's new clothes kind of thing, a matter of truth telling. Pretending that there is no difference, that the emperor is clothed, simply causes problems to continue. If we can't/won't/don't talk about race, we don't have the right or wherewithal to talk about racism.

Perhaps putting it in a less socially charged example might help. If I see a child in a wheelchair at the playground, is it okay to ONLY tell my daughter not to make fun of that child? To IGNORE the fact that she has a disability? Nope, it's not. Because that does not respect the fullness of that child's identity, of which disability is a part. DD is much less likely to make fun of the child in the wheelchair when she understands why she's there. She knows that child has a disability, I'm the one who looks like an idiot if I pretend that's not the case. Just like the people watching the emperor's parade.

If talking about race, and not just racism, is taboo, then we've really gotten nowhere, no matter how progressive we like to think we are.

You Say African American, I Say Black

Where I live, a city that is, last time I heard, 60-70% Black, most people say "Black," unless it's in a very formal situation. My students definitely call themselves Black (and make fun of their "Crazy White Professor" ). And, btw, we talk about race A LOT (not just racism) in my classes, and would even if I never brought it up. I DO bring it up, though, and my students are generally very surprised and VERY relieved that I break the taboo. I know (from reading my evaluations) that this is something my students value about my classes. I talk about race because I find it to be one of the MOST productive teaching tools that I have.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about stereotypes, too. I can tell you that my students REALLY sit up and take notice when I make a statement that calls them on the carpet about their stereotypes, about things that are wrong or misguided, but, because they're never talked about elsewhere, my students hold as truth. I also make lots of fun of the stereotypes, using them to teach how and what language does for/against us.

Further, I teach my students that who they are, what they think, and where they came from are really really important parts of their scholarly endeavors. To pretend otherwise, that there's some objective story about the world that everyone has access to and buys into, is just dumb. When a young Black man in my class is writing about literature, he is writing from his experience AS A YOUNG BLACK MAN. For me to say that that is an invalid thing (by saying that there's not some defining something about being Black that informs his reading of any particular text) is extremely disrespectful, in my opinion, dehumanizing even. Further, I'm really honest with my students (from the very first day of class) that I'm looking at things as a short, Southern, liberal, White woman, who was raised in a relatively wealthy family, who believes such and such about the world, etc. etc. It's the truth, and to pretend otherwise is also dumb. I can/will never know what it's like to have their experience. And I'm not into getting all "White Guilt" about it - it's just the facts, ma'am.

The upshot is, in the end, that, because I set an example for my students that it's okay for all of us to be exactly who we are and that who we are is deeply informed by things like race, gender, economics, though not the full story. of my students have told me that they've never had an educational experience like what I create in the classroom. I'm totally not trying to toot my own horn, and there are DEFINITELY students that can't stand me, I'm just saying that, in my experiences of dealing with lots and lots of the "next generation" of Blacks and Whites in my area, acknowledging race, racism and other things has made for a very fruitful environment from which, both I and my students, can learn.


"Race Is An Externally Imposed Idea, There is Nothing Essential About It"

I think that this is a benighted -and perhaps sinister- idea and, though I understand it is fashionable in some misguided academic circles, should be eradicated. Post haste. To dismiss the experience of "being Black" because it is a socially constructed abstraction is, IMO, academic mumbo jumbo . I seriously doubt that it FEELS like an abstraction to anyone whose experience it is. I will claim forever and ever that my body (it's color, shape, gender, age, disabilities, assets, etc.) is an INTEGRAL PART of how I interpret texts, relationships, politics, etc. etc. etc. I imagine that the underlying assumption that your statement is trying to address is that there is no value to be assessed because of someone's race, gender, etc. And we can hope that we eventually reach that place. But, we're not there yet.

Yeah, But What About The Irish?

I hear this stuff a lot. White people, whose family history is one of poverty and displacement and other such things that are terrible, chafing at any sort of philosophical/linguistic reparations toward Blacks on the "well what about us" premise. I think it's weak. Weak weak weak.

Let's take Bill Clinton and Barack Obama as examples. Now, NO ONE was going to NOT vote for Clinton because he was raised by a single mother of very humble means. There were plenty of reasons that people might not vote for him, but those were NOT two of them. As a matter of fact, MUCH was made of these "humble" beginnings. It's classic Americana, right?

But for Obama, there were PLENTY of people who would never vote for him because of his race (and he's not even descended from slaves!). And even though he won, he had to answer - over and over and over - questions about that identity. About what allegiances could/should be presumed because of his race. Was he Black enough? Was he White enough? Would he be assassinated because of his race? And we were CONSTANTLY aware that this was a BLACK man that we'd nominated. He worked really hard to downplay that in some ways, but I'm glad that he did not shoo it completely away from his rhetoric - BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.

Now, we've had ten presidents who've been of Irish descent. TEN. The Irish-American population in America is estimated to be about 40,000,00 - pretty much the same number as Blacks. So, clearly, there is a disproportionate balance of power here. Equal numbers of people and a 10-1 ratio of representation in the highest office in America. Now, of course, not every Black person voted for Obama, and not every person of Irish descent voted for the ten presidents of Irish descent. But that actually furthers the point: people of Irish descent either are acceptable enough to the "general public" OR they've assimilated so much that they can "pass."


A Whole Month of Black History, and The Kids Don't Know Nuthin'

My theory about why their NOT retaining the information is that it's so "neatly" compartmentalized into one month. And the kids eyes start glazing over because they assume that they're going to be presented with redundant information. And I'm thinking they probably are. I'd really love to see our curriculum integrated so that the accomplishments of Americans are studied as a body of history. I'm not suggesting that we ignore, or stop noting, "firsts" from Blacks, women, etc., just that we do not treat it as if it were such a revolutionary idea that anything could be achieved by one of these groups.

I think we should quit marginalizing and compartmentalizing Black history as if it were something entirely separate from, and only the interest/province of Blacks. We have ALL benefited from George Washington Carver's inventions (but do you know who Lewis Latimer is?), we don't have to be Black to enjoy reading James Baldwin (at least I hope not, because he's one of my very favorite authors), we don't have to be Black to feel moved by Miles Davis's music (even though he didn't like White people so much). I am NOT saying that we forget that these people were Black, but that we are proud of them as an integrated part of American history - not just some "one month curriculum."

I guess my point, in the end, is that we do have to talk about race, not just racism. And the more we talk about it the more we are able to sweep away the fears and misunderstandings that the conversation initially brings to surface.

Why I Don't Use Time Outs

I don't use them for a few reasons.

First off, my daughter is an only child - always will be, so I don't see the point of sending her off to be by herself (especially characterizing that as a punishment or consequence or however we want to call it). She's by herself too much already, I'm afraid.

Also, I think it kind of works in the reverse. Her "bad" behavior is usually in response to a request or instruction from me. I don't want to give her an "out" of whatever it is that we need to be doing at the moment. As in real life - we just, sometimes, have to power through.

And that leads to the next reason: time-outs aren't "natural consequences." I know some people think that yelling at a friend will end up making that friend go away and so the separation of time-out mimics that consequence - I don't think my dd could make that connection, and I don't think that's really how it works in real life. What happens, I think, is that things escalate because people don't know how to harness their emotions or control their impulses or whatever. That's what I want to help my daughter learn to do, so, staying inside of the situation gives me a better teaching opportunity. Sure, it can be hard on my ears/emotions/headache/whatever, but I do think that it's a much more productive way of parenting.

All that said, I do ask my daughter sometimes if she needs some rest when she's behaving in a way that's not appropriate (and I reluctantly use that word, because I think "bad" behavior is appropriate as children learn to navigate the world - I don't think we should encourage it, of course, but I do think it's developmentally appropriate). Sometimes she does need a few minutes alone, talking to her animals (her toys).

Chosen . . . Meant To Be?

I read a very interesting beginning of a discussion about these two phrases in references to adoption. The word "chosen" does seem all wrong to me - for SO many reasons, but mostly, in the end, because of what it might do to a little one's self-esteem.

As to "meant to be," that's more complicated. I'm not sure who said it in the other thread, but it's like it was meant to be in a certain sense, and yet, surely the pain of the event that landed us here at adoption cannot have been meant to be, either for VeeGee or for her birth mom. But, on the other hand, I feel so deeply that there was this eerie connection between us the very first time I met her (a year before custody of her was even a faint question or possibility). I somehow knew that we'd end up being her parents. I even told K that. (I know it's corny, but that's why I'm drawn to the red thread myth.)

So, how might I tell her this story in such a way that doesn't indicate that I think the things that happened to her had to happen to her? I know it's time for us to begin thinking about how we tell her her story, and I'm so concerned about doing it the right way, a way that includes all of her history, but doesn't wound her further.

The more I think about it the more I realize how very intimate this conversation will be, must be, and, as such, it will evolve out of the intimacy of our relationship as the relationship evolves. It really can't be scripted, especially not right now. I guess my asking this of myself at this stage is like asking myself why I was getting married on the day I did. I needed to have an answer for that day, but I didn't need for that answer to be the be-all-end-all answer for eternity (thank God!!!). Really, I don't think I had a clue about why I was doing it . . . it was actually the "I looked in your eyes . . . " That's not to say that that sentiment has gone away. In fact, it has only increased and become clearer.

That said, I do need to begin to decide on some of the terms of the story, bmom's name, for instance, because it does come up. Also, we were such starkly, vehemently, childless for so long that I am still very frequently explaining the situation (though with fewer and fewer details as I realize how much language she's acquiring lately) to people who haven't seen us in "the scene" in a while. .........

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's been three hundred and seventy-five days since VeeGee came home with us. I think about how incredibly terrified we were: this fragile tiny little thing. I remember how frightened we were to change her trach the first time, how horrible I felt the first time her mic-key button was pulled out. And the vomit! Dear God, the vomit. I can still feel that warm stickiness as she would bury her head in my neck, seeking comfort from the heinous retching.

And I look back at my posts here wrestling with the emotional roller coaster of her not calling me mommy (seems funny now), about her name change, about how to deal with being alone in the hospital in the middle of the night unable to read the erratic monitors.

So, today is the day. In two short hours, she becomes ours not just in our hearts, but according to the law. It's a bittersweet day. We finalize at 9 and bury my uncle at 11. The circle of life indeed. I am also keenly aware today of the loss that today will represent for VeeGee's birth mom. I really feel for her. No matter how awful I think she's been, this still is a hard, hard consequence for her actions - one that is incomprehensible to me, really. I truly hope that she will heal from this and become a happy content adult with whom VeeGee can have a wonderful relationship.

I am overwhelmed with emotion this morning. The rain has moved on and the birds are chirping in the wet branches of the trees that are hanging over my window. VeeGee spent the night in our room last night because her uncle is in town for the funeral and in her room. I am so happy to have been able to watch her sleep - by the glow of the feeding pump.

Well, I'm not making much sense now. Celebrate with me today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GD+SN=?????????

I think a lot about how special needs parenting forces us to give up so many of my "crunchy" ideals. And I'm wondering, now, if gentle discipline is one of those things we have to give up.

VeeGee has GERD and has thrown up pretty much constantly since she was born until she had a nissen fundo in January. Thankfully that ended the vomiting. And, for the first time, we can see inside of her mouth without her completely clenching her teeth. I know it might seem ridiculous, but we've just never been able to fight her hard enough to be able to see inside her mouth without her throwing up. But now we can.

Anyhow, we've discovered that her teeth are almost black - likely from the acid and the "neglect" and the massive amounts of antibiotics. SO, we've decided to start brushing them. And you'd think we were torturing her.

I'm used to torturing her, to her screaming in pain or agony or fury. I HAVE to do horrible things like give her breathing treatments, change her trach (until last month), clean/rotate her mickey button, oh, and change her diaper. I have to hold her down, probably hurting her, when nurses change her IVs, take her blood pressure, her temperature, her ears.

And now I'm wondering just what she understands. How much am I supposed to hold her accountable (I don't even know if that's the right word) for her occasional hitting, throwing and other 'misbehaviors' - mostly mild, really? Her therapists complain about compliance, and I just don't know how much more I can push her.

How do you establish boundaries, 'rules' or whatever when you're not completely sure that your little one understands? How do you cope with people who think you spoil your child because they aren't always 'following instructions' or whatever?

Kinship Adoption Is Really Hard

I am feeling so sad about the way things are going for our family right now. My in-laws are really showing their true colors as a result of the approaching finalization of the adoption (of their grand-daughter - my husband's niece). I've always suspected that, despite protestations to the contrary, they have never really regarded me as part of 'their family.' Turns out that's true. Although K and I have been married for over eleven years, they still hold a longstanding (and asinine) grudge against my father (too stupid to go into). I, apparently, still bear the sins of my father. I have a huge and loving family (definitely NOT perfect, but very accepting) and his family have NEVER agreed to join us for holidays or any time that they perceive to be 'my family' time. It's always hurt me that they would not budge on this, but it's really coming to a head now.

We have decided to change our daughter's name, and we are giving her my grandmother's name as her first name and Grace as her middle name, reflecting the miracle of her entry into our family. The name she had did not have any family history (for her or for us). When we told the in-laws, their (HER) first response was "V?" (sneer) "where does that come from?" When K her that it was my grandmother's name and that she means very much to me, all we got was a sniff. Then, later, when she was saying goodbye to dd, she kept saying "Bye A" and when I gently and quietly said "VeeGee" she said, "Well, I'm just not ready for that yet." I didn't make much of it because she had just found out. I understand that it's going to take time getting used to. But, now, every time she sees VeeGee, she continues to call her A, insisting that she's just not used to it. She doesn't correct herself or anything.

Today, K was speaking to them and they were still protesting the change (it's been two months). They're angry that we're not offering an "olive branch" on the name issue. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Like, uprooting out entire existence, going into debt, wrenching our hearts out over this precious girl who was abandoned and most certainly going to be adopted by STRANGERS isn't "olive branch" enough?????!!!!!!! And then, piece de resistance, they asked K why we'd chosen a name that had nothing to do with VeeGee's family. Yep, I AM, APPARENTLY, NOT VeeGee'S FAMILY. Rich, huh? I'm so angry I could spit. And the worst thing is that this is really breaking K's heart. I don't want to keep ranting to him about this because I don't want to hurt him, and I don't ever want to sever VeeGee's ties with her grandparents, but I'M DONE being "their granddaughter" as they've called me for so long. (They're actually dh's grandparents, though they function more as his parent parents.)

NOTE TO FLAMERS/BIRTH MOTHERS: I've already been set on fire about the name change thing. That's a done deal as far as K and I are concerned. What I'm hurting over, what he's hurting over, is the fact that, apparently, membership in this larger family is conditional. And we're blindsided by that.

Name Change

So, we're filing the adoption petition tomorrow, or as soon as K can get in touch with his sister to *try to* convince her to join the petition (not gonna happen, imo). We've decided that, in the petition, we're going to include the name change.

Problem is, K and I are having a hard time coming to agreement on this issue. He would like A to have some of her birth name and I'd like to change it completely. I really would love to erase the ownership that maintaining A's "given" name allows her birth mother (my SIL). I've been telling K this for a year now.

Turns out he hasn't really been taking me seriously, like not even seriously enough to form an argument one way or the other. And I'm just finding out how "unseriously" he's been taking it TODAY.

So, he said, "Start making a list of names that you like." HUH? I've told him THE name I'd like, been telling him THE name I'd like for almost a year - though probably longer than that in the "what would you name a little girl if we ever had one?" game. And he said, "anything else?" Nope, but I'd consider any suggestions that he'd make - he's just not making any - unless you count adding HIS last name (not mine) to the end of her name. I don't want to hyphenate her name.

I just want him to be invested in this part of the adoption, I want him to be proud of and have input on this very important part of the experience.

On to the other issue (sorry this is so long): I know that there are lots of people who have said that changing her name altogether would be wrong. I just don't think so. She's being given an entirely new life and a new family. The name I want to give her is traditional within my family, and we have a very strong and, in my opinion, lovely family bond that I'd like her to feel a part of in a special way. Giving her the name of her grandmother and greatgrandmother would reaffirm the new bond that the adoption is creating.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty really is one of the hardest parts of parenting a special needs kiddo. K I sometimes say it's like trying to stand in an ocean with crashing waves all around you - in the dark. You never know what's going to hit next. That said, we find that, for one thing, having a sense of humor about it all is a lifesaver. Yeah, this is your life, and, yeah, sometimes it sucks. But, really, it can all be pretty funny too - if you allow yourself to relax into it.