Blank Screen Blues

Yep, got em.


It just drives me crazy.



So, I'm not teaching this semester and it's kind of weird. I'm glad in one sense - especially since it looks like the fascists have taken over the FYComp curriculum! - but I really am going to miss it. I just didn't get my shit together in time to commit to teaching and by the time I decided I did, in fact, want to, it was too late. Not to mention the fact that I royally pissed off the very nice woman who coordinates the comp teachers. I feel bad about it.

But, on the other hand, I'm looking forward to a semester that's pretty open in terms of actual commitment. I mean, THE Commitment (aka thesis) is still there, looming over me and my "Blank Screen Blues" like a drooling, snotting, gargoyle (Oh yes, the thesis is a lovely thing!); but maybe I can tame him (oh yes, it's a HIM).

Not only that, but I'll get to spend lots more time with VeeGee. That's a good thing, of course, but you'd think we could just hang out and watch Sesame Street together and learn our ABCs. In fact, I spend most of the time that I spend with VeeGee in the car headed to this therapy or that therapy, swinging and swatting at her knees so that she won't fall asleep in the car, but will wait for a "real" nap because if she falls asleep in the car (as every desperate mother knows), the "real" nap never happens. That sucks.

What's for dinner

Night before last, hubby mentioned, uncannily just as I was thinking the same thing, that I ought to keep a dinner diary. I have been, to quote him, "Hitting it out of the park," lately with my culinary creations, most of which are conceived about 45 minutes before it's time to eat. Take that Iron Chef!

For a long time, a long time ago, I thought I'd always be a professional chef. Now, I just do dinner theater, watching the demi-god known as Bourdain roam the planet eating pork like Bubba Gump ate shrimp. I love that man. No really, I love him. Like him, though, I think I'm just too old now to belly up to the old Vulcan to sling carmelized shi-shi.

So, now that I decided to write about dinner, well, it's time to go cook dinner. Tofu satay tonight.

Adoption/Birthday Celebratio

So, we did it this past Saturday, and it was incredibly wonderful. We sent out an invitation that said that we were celebrating both her birthday AND adoption. We sent it to both our family, including VeeGee's great grandparents, and friends because dh decided he didn't want to do any sort of different invite for his family. Before we sent the invites out, we let his grandparents know what the party was going to be about, that it was going to be a celebration of both. I think they are really beginning to be peaceful about the situation.

On her birthday, she got a card from her birthmother. I was SO relieved. It was actually addressed to VeeGee with our last name and was so so sweet. I am beyond thrilled about this, and am really hoping that we can keep up correspondence with her.

(Off Topic: I have been showing VeeGee pictures of her birthmother a lot lately as we've been redecorating her room with lots of family photos. She's had the strangest negative reaction, refusing to look at the photos and screaming "No!" while swatting it away. I'm concerned about this, an want to find ways to positively incorporate her birthmom's image into her life - advice would be welcome.)

Anyway, there were over a hundred people here!!!!!! Insane!!!! As a former chef, I NEVER run out of food at parties, but I almost did. Holy cow.

So, to the best part: I wanted to do something ceremonial, but not something toooo cheesy (just kinda cheesy). What I did, was get a spool of red silk rope and passed it around to the entire group (everyone was connected). I spoke about the "red thread" poem and expanded the image to include a sort of metaphorical umbilical cord. As we were all holding the same line of thread, we thanked all of our family and friends for holding us up through this journey and invited them to continue to be a part of the adopting of VeeGee into our lives and our community, symbolizing our connectedness to each other. We then passed around scissors and invited everyone to cut off a length of thread to make a bracelet, anklet, necklace or bookmark to keep as a reminder of our community. It was pretty neat, and I really think it meant a lot to a lot of the people in attendance. Without being too in your face.

New Birth Certificate

I can't really describe the sick feeling that I had when I opened up VeeGee's new birth certificate. Her birth father had never been there, but with this new one, her birth mother was, literally, erased. It felt so strange. On one hand, I was so relieved that the whole process really was over and that VeeGee really was, officially, my daughter. And at the same time, the bigger part of me, in fact, just felt so sad.

We could very very easily lie to VeeGee (by omission) and never tell her about how she came to us. She looks just like K (since she's his niece by birth) and there would truly never be much of a reason for her to suspect that she was adopted.

And that's a problem. VeeGee deserves to have her story, her truth.

And that birth certificate is a false document. It says that I drove across my state to give birth to her - in a place I've never lived. So what might that mean for so many well-meaning women who adopt and just want to step in and BE their kid's mom, for whom that birth certificate is sort of prize? It might mean that there needs to be an outside mechanism, a legal safeguard of adopted children's stories, that will help us emotional moms do the right thing. That's why, at least one reason why, reform is so necessary.

Sweetness

I had to share a sweet little moment from our day yesterday.

VeeGee is extremely averse to having her teeth brushed. We only do it every three days or so because it's such an awful ordeal. So yesterday evening was the time to do it. I had her in position and "did the deed" with the usual wailing and kicking, red-faced fury, etc., etc. After it was over, VeeGee crawled up on my chest and laid there while I rubbed her back. I sat there thinking how incredibly resilient kids, and especially these kids who go through SO much shit on a daily basis just to live, are. I felt then, as I often do, overwhelmed by her generosity of spirit and her tenaciousness.

So a bit later we were out watering our flowers on the patio when I got my foot caught under a planter and hurt it (can't really describe the way it got hurt, just that it hurt like a something-or-other). I was saying, "Oh my foot hurts, ow ow ow, etc." and VeeGee came over and got down on her hands and knees and kissed my foot - two or three times. I immediately began to weep. It was such and incredibly tender and sweet act for her - so natural and yet so extraordinary.

It may be a small thing, a silly thing, but WOW, it really sent me .

Chosen . . . Meant To Be?

I read a very interesting beginning of a discussion about these two phrases in references to adoption. The word "chosen" does seem all wrong to me - for SO many reasons, but mostly, in the end, because of what it might do to a little one's self-esteem.

As to "meant to be," that's more complicated. I'm not sure who said it in the other thread, but it's like it was meant to be in a certain sense, and yet, surely the pain of the event that landed us here at adoption cannot have been meant to be, either for VeeGee or for her birth mom. But, on the other hand, I feel so deeply that there was this eerie connection between us the very first time I met her (a year before custody of her was even a faint question or possibility). I somehow knew that we'd end up being her parents. I even told K that. (I know it's corny, but that's why I'm drawn to the red thread myth.)

So, how might I tell her this story in such a way that doesn't indicate that I think the things that happened to her had to happen to her? I know it's time for us to begin thinking about how we tell her her story, and I'm so concerned about doing it the right way, a way that includes all of her history, but doesn't wound her further.

The more I think about it the more I realize how very intimate this conversation will be, must be, and, as such, it will evolve out of the intimacy of our relationship as the relationship evolves. It really can't be scripted, especially not right now. I guess my asking this of myself at this stage is like asking myself why I was getting married on the day I did. I needed to have an answer for that day, but I didn't need for that answer to be the be-all-end-all answer for eternity (thank God!!!). Really, I don't think I had a clue about why I was doing it . . . it was actually the "I looked in your eyes . . . " That's not to say that that sentiment has gone away. In fact, it has only increased and become clearer.

That said, I do need to begin to decide on some of the terms of the story, bmom's name, for instance, because it does come up. Also, we were such starkly, vehemently, childless for so long that I am still very frequently explaining the situation (though with fewer and fewer details as I realize how much language she's acquiring lately) to people who haven't seen us in "the scene" in a while. .........

And then there was more rain.

It has rained far too much this spring. I've got plants all over my yard in pots because the ground's been too wet to plant them. It's a pity. Something like this, well, nothing like this, but something to cause planting procrastination, namely the unexpected acquisition of a two year old redheaded child, happened last year, and so there are several lovely ferns that are pleading with me to give their roots some long awaited room to wiggle. Hopefully Saturday will be sunny enough to dry the ground a bit.

As is typical for me, I would rather do just about anything than the work that I'm supposed to be doing. I have several projects that I just cannot seem to bring to conclusion. Fellow procrastinators, what is it that causes this? I mean, it's not, actually, that I wait to the last minute. No, I don't wait to begin things at all. I just don't finish. I keep on working, or, at least, I keep on thinking, on the project: how can I make it better? what else do I need to include? have I covered all the bases? what the hell was the original assignment?

It's become so ridiculous that I've carried several Incompletes forward with me throughout graduate school. Please tell me someone else has done this and survived to actually get a job.

Oh, and that's the other thing. I am at that point in my career where it's time to start sending out the CV, figuring out what's next. And what do I find myself doing yesterday? Yep, looking in to PhD programs in ANOTHER discipline. Ugh - what's wrong with me?

So, rainy Thursday, I yield myself to the project at hand. I sign off with hope.

Long Lost Blogger

I received an e-mail yesterday from a grad school friend who's pretty awesome. She said that she'd come across my old blog and wondered if I was still writing. Bah, writing? I'm just trying to finish that dratt thesis book thing. But, I thought, I do force my students to blog, telling them that the practice of writing every day is so good for them.

Shall I practice what I preach?

Well, I have to admit that my blogging hiatus has been caused in no small amount by the fear of "wasting" all my good writing, or my writing energy, or brilliant ideas on a blog - instead of on something for which I might get paid (or at least which will contribute to my thesis). Has anyone else entertained that fear?

But, I think, since the productivity is just about nil at this point, may as well waste away, huh? Maybe it'll get the juices flowing. God knows I need some juice.

So, this felt good, and Barney's coming on, so now I'll have to go do something else. VeeGee needs my attention (oh, and there's another reason for the hiatus).

Here's hoping I can keep this up. Wouldn't that be great? Yep, it would.

What Day Is It Again?

Well, it's been a pretty good day. VeeGee is extremely cabin feverish, but not so regular feverish, so that's good (and not so good). She's so ready to get out of here, and I think we'll be doing just that sometime tomorrow! Yeeehaa!! It's pretty late, and she's still not asleep so I'm going to play possum for a bit in hopes that she'll go to sleep and let me work for a moment or two (not able to get much of anything done here in the hospital with so many interruptions and, oh, the crying baby and all ........). Much love to everyone - I hope to see you all soon. Wendy & VeeGee

Happy Saturday

Happy Saturday! I hear there were some lovely storms yesterday in Memphis, but that today is beautiful. I'm glad. It's nice here (we have a lovely view of building tops!).

VeeGee really well last night, but continued to run a fever through the night, even with the Tylenol. I think partly because the palate is closed and partly because she's sleeping with her mouth open, but she is snoring like crazy!!! It makes me think about my great grandmother and grandmother - the champion snorers of all time! I think VeeGee have given them a run for their money if she'd had the chance. Her doctor was in this morning and said that her palate was looking good, but that she was a little concerned about the fever (not too much). She had thought we might get to go home this weekend, but it looks like we'll be here at least another day or so, which was really the original estimate. We were just hopeful because we don't have to wait for her to start eating (we'd be here a good long while if we had to do that, I'm afraid!) because of her g-tube. Oh well. We had some good play time this morning and a nice bubble bath. I got some grainy pictures from my laptop cam that I'm posting here in a minute. Say prayers for VeeGee that the fever will break and the pain will begin to lessen. She's so brave and funny, you'd all be so proud of her. Thanks for loving us. Wendy & VeeGee