Thursday, June 18, 2009


I was recently asked if I finally felt complete since adopting VeeGee. I don't think that children can ever be the thing that makes one's life complete. They're wonderful, really wonderful, but to put that sort of expectation on a child is really unfair, in my opinion. I never planned to adopt - I couldn't have children, and that was that. I sort of moved on. And then. . . . VeeGee!

I don't really know how anyone can say that adoption not the same as giving birth because either they haven't adopted, and have no clue what it feels like to do that, or, they're not (in my humble opinion) very good parents of the child they've adopted.

I mean, clearly, it's NOT the same. But the end result is very much the same in terms of my relationship to VeeGee, I'm no less a mom because I didn't give birth to her and I don't feel any differently about her, I think, than, say, my sister feels about her children. And, oddly, there is an intense mommy-daughter connection that is present, and growing. People even tell me that she looks like me (hahahahahaha) - people that don't know she's adopted. And I, daily, hear my voice come out of her mouth, see my mannerisms played out on her body. It's pretty incredible.

But, adoption is NOT a cure for infertility. Those issues haven't gone away for me. I still feel sad about my inability to give birth (and for whatever reason, my big thing is the loss of the opportunity to breastfeed). It took me a long time before I realized how effing rude it is for people to continue to hound someone about becoming a parent. It's basically asking if you're having sex, if your body works right, if you're a selfish bitch, if you're "too ambitious," if you know that you're weird. Rude.

I don't know why people believe they're entitled to this type of information. People mostly mean well, but I really think that there's some sort of culturally expectation that women should be ready to discuss their biology with everyone. Further . . . I don't think that being a mom is what makes me a woman at all. I'm not NOT a woman because I cannot have a child biologically. And I wouldn't NOT be a woman if I chose to remain childless.

I'm still pissed about the unfairness of it all. AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE IT when people talk to me about "God's Will" in this situation. I think it's very very smug. I finally started telling people that I loved NOT having kids. Sometimes I'd tell them that if I ever had a kid, they'd better start calling me Mary Mother of God. Usually shut them up.

But I'm a mom - no doubt about it. And my heart is full.

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