Thursday, May 29, 2008
As to "meant to be," that's more complicated. I'm not sure who said it in the other thread, but it's like it was meant to be in a certain sense, and yet, surely the pain of the event that landed us here at adoption cannot have been meant to be, either for VeeGee or for her birth mom. But, on the other hand, I feel so deeply that there was this eerie connection between us the very first time I met her (a year before custody of her was even a faint question or possibility). I somehow knew that we'd end up being her parents. I even told K that. (I know it's corny, but that's why I'm drawn to the red thread myth.)
So, how might I tell her this story in such a way that doesn't indicate that I think the things that happened to her had to happen to her? I know it's time for us to begin thinking about how we tell her her story, and I'm so concerned about doing it the right way, a way that includes all of her history, but doesn't wound her further.
The more I think about it the more I realize how very intimate this conversation will be, must be, and, as such, it will evolve out of the intimacy of our relationship as the relationship evolves. It really can't be scripted, especially not right now. I guess my asking this of myself at this stage is like asking myself why I was getting married on the day I did. I needed to have an answer for that day, but I didn't need for that answer to be the be-all-end-all answer for eternity (thank God!!!). Really, I don't think I had a clue about why I was doing it . . . it was actually the "I looked in your eyes . . . " That's not to say that that sentiment has gone away. In fact, it has only increased and become clearer.
That said, I do need to begin to decide on some of the terms of the story, bmom's name, for instance, because it does come up. Also, we were such starkly, vehemently, childless for so long that I am still very frequently explaining the situation (though with fewer and fewer details as I realize how much language she's acquiring lately) to people who haven't seen us in "the scene" in a while. .........
Thursday, May 15, 2008
As is typical for me, I would rather do just about anything than the work that I'm supposed to be doing. I have several projects that I just cannot seem to bring to conclusion. Fellow procrastinators, what is it that causes this? I mean, it's not, actually, that I wait to the last minute. No, I don't wait to begin things at all. I just don't finish. I keep on working, or, at least, I keep on thinking, on the project: how can I make it better? what else do I need to include? have I covered all the bases? what the hell was the original assignment?
It's become so ridiculous that I've carried several Incompletes forward with me throughout graduate school. Please tell me someone else has done this and survived to actually get a job.
Oh, and that's the other thing. I am at that point in my career where it's time to start sending out the CV, figuring out what's next. And what do I find myself doing yesterday? Yep, looking in to PhD programs in ANOTHER discipline. Ugh - what's wrong with me?
So, rainy Thursday, I yield myself to the project at hand. I sign off with hope.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Shall I practice what I preach?
Well, I have to admit that my blogging hiatus has been caused in no small amount by the fear of "wasting" all my good writing, or my writing energy, or brilliant ideas on a blog - instead of on something for which I might get paid (or at least which will contribute to my thesis). Has anyone else entertained that fear?
But, I think, since the productivity is just about nil at this point, may as well waste away, huh? Maybe it'll get the juices flowing. God knows I need some juice.
So, this felt good, and Barney's coming on, so now I'll have to go do something else. VeeGee needs my attention (oh, and there's another reason for the hiatus).
Here's hoping I can keep this up. Wouldn't that be great? Yep, it would.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Well, it's been a pretty good day. VeeGee is extremely cabin feverish, but not so regular feverish, so that's good (and not so good). She's so ready to get out of here, and I think we'll be doing just that sometime tomorrow! Yeeehaa!! It's pretty late, and she's still not asleep so I'm going to play possum for a bit in hopes that she'll go to sleep and let me work for a moment or two (not able to get much of anything done here in the hospital with so many interruptions and, oh, the crying baby and all ........). Much love to everyone - I hope to see you all soon. Wendy & VeeGee