Two Peas in a Pod!

Happy Father's Day!

Surprise Visit - Part 3

It was a crazy day because of the fact that we waited all.day.long for K's aunt to arrive from Chicago - the flight that was supposed to get in at 11:45 didn't get in until 5 (bless her heart!) because of ice and whatnot. We were pretty much in limbo waiting for updates and so K was actually home most of the day with VeeGee too, so we got lots of family time (oh, and one of our dogs ran away and we had to go looking for her in the ice/rain for an hour - we eventually found her, the brat. VeeGee is still walking around hollering, "Sula, w'ah you?" ).

So, we finally got out to grandparents house after dark at about 6:15, which is something I explicitly did NOT want (an evening visit). VeeGee had fallen asleep in the car (of course) and had a giant poopy diaper. I had to go directly in and change the sleeping baby, which was actually great for me to kind of catch my breath and re-rehearse with VeeGee the names of the people she was about to see. I asked her if she wanted to walk out there and she said "no" - odd because she LOVES it there, it's like her own little queendom, the way grandparents' houses often are - so I carried her, with her head buried in my neck .

Her reaction was strange. I said, "Oh wow, look we have friends here to see us! Look, there's Grandaddy and Uncle T. and Bmommy (we are using her first name), do you want to say, 'Hi'?" She clung to me pretty hard and when I walked closer to anyone, even her grandparents that she knows and loves, she turned away. It was odd because she had been chatting it up with the aunt that we'd picked up from the airport.

Anyway, so that went on for a while. She finally got out of my lap and huddled behind me on the couch. Eventually she started kind of doing the peek-a-boo thing and then, when she realized there were PRESENTS!!!! under the tree for her (!!!) she climbed down and went to it. That was lots of fun and I was impressed with the presents that they brought for her - they'd really actually thought about it, which was just really really wonderful. I thanked them a bunch.

It was also nice because we could all sit there watching her without the need for much conversation. As K said it later, "She was ON! Like a rockstar!!" I mean she was giggly, happy, and all-around hilarious to watch. We had to stop her or she'd have opened all the gifts that weren't for her (though I doubt anyone would have cared). She also sang with the music that they had playing (through the Christmas tree - tinny Christmas carols that made me want to cringe after just a few minutes ).

By the end of the evening she had given out plenty of hugs to everyone, said lots of thankyous and iloveyous and Birthmom even got a snuggle and a picture.

When we got back in the car she actually said, "Whew!" and then a little later, "No more people mommy, daddy." We assured her that that was all for the evening. And then we did our nightly Christmas light tour. All in all it was a pretty remarkably wonderful evening.

For me, it was deeply, deeply special that she clung to me and was very clear in her attachment to me. We've really worked so hard for this and it was just a blessing. In a way, too, I think that it made bmom feel good - at least she seemed to be pleased and amused - to see VeeGee confident in her place with us. During the entire evening there were no name slip-ups (a huge relief) and both bmom and grandaddy referred to K and I as daddy and mommy.

We know that there's a very good chance that we won't hear from them again for a long time (though bmom, who had thought she was coming for New Years instead of Christmas, said that she had ordered presents for VeeGee that weren't scheduled to arrive until after Christmas and that she'd send them along when they came in). Still, for the evening that it was whether it was a one-time thing or not, it was good.

Merry Christmas.

Surprise Visit! Part 2

Okay, so we're going to the grandparents today at 11:45 for The Visit. I've been preparing VeeGee all morning by showing her pictures of her birthmom (which she really hates to see for some reason) and her grandaddy. I've also spent a bunch of skin-on-skin time with her laughing and tickling and doing deep pressure therapy. Finally, I've been helping her pronounce birthmom's name (we've chosen to use her first name just like we've done with her other aunts and uncles) and telling her about who all is going to be at the visit.

We also decided to pick up K's aunt who's flying in and take her when we go so that there will be more than just the VeeGee-bmom-grandaddy "event" going on and so VeeGee will feel less pressure to be the focus of everything.

Y'all, I'm so nervous, and sad, and worried. But I'm trying to leave that gunk here instead of bringing it out there. I want VeeGee to read total safety and relaxation coming off of me so that she can also feel those things.

Surprise!

We just got a call a little while ago that VeeGee's bmom is going to arrive from across the state this evening and is staying until, well, we don't even know, could be New Years. This is the first we've heard of it (they weren't even the ones who called to let us know) and we already have a houseful of children that we're watching for my sister (OVERLOAD CITY!!!!!!!!).

We also found out that they ("they" are bmom and her father) have been lying and telling K's grandparents that we don't return their calls and never call them. Holy SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have received exactly three phone calls from bmom since bringing VeeGee home. That would be three phone calls in almost two years. And we've sent e-mails, birthday videos from VeeGee, and have called many many times (they don't answer their phones because they dodge bill collectors constantly and/or have them disconnected).

K. I are so angry we could spit.

(P.S. It's really and truly not that we want to keep these people away from VeeGee- it just needs to be on OUR terms which are based on care and concern for VeeGee (things which clearly they do not have).

One of the things that is so amazing and painful about this is that K's grandparents (also birthmom's grandparents, my de facto mother and father -in-laws) consistently seem to choose sides on this, and the side that they choose is bmom's: the one who WILLFULLY abused and neglected VeeGee (the child they absolutely adore), almost to the point of her death. Basically, they are calling us liars when we tell them about the lack of contact.

We always invite K's grandparents for Christmas Eve (they have never ever come because it's mostly the evening that we spend with my dad and his dad, who is their ex-son-in-law - they HATE both my dad and K's dad) and I think they expect to be invited also. For me, that night is the most important and meaningful part of the entire season and is pretty sacrosanct. I'm just not ready to bring them into the mix.

Generally we don't even see his grandparents on Christmas - sometimes the day after, but usually we wait til New Year's Day because that is K's grandfather's birthday.

The way they are, I'm pretty sure that they just expect us to drop everything and go to the grandparents tomorrow and the next day. I'm so up to my eyeballs with VeeGee and my sister's three kids (one of which is a one-year-old), I just need to stay in one place. Not to mention the fact that I'm hosting dinner on Christmas Eve and have to get the house ready (in the midst of all these kids!) for the company that I was already expecting. I've already bought food, too, so that would be another thing . . . . . UGH.

The Menagerie Family

VeeGee doesn't name her stuffed animals (and doesn't like dolls for some reason). She has a lineup that goes everywhere with us () that includes Charlie (a tiny white and black dog that I named), "Brown Monkey" (who is white), "Other Brown Monkey" (who is brown), "Elephant," and "Mahma Bear" (panda bear). In this little family "Charlie" is the baby, "Mahma Bear" is daddy (because they're both black and white, I assume, and K and VeeGee are basically carbon copies of each other), and "Other Brown Monkey" is mommy. : They're always hugging each other and saying, "I miss you so much!"



off to swing from the branches now . . . . . . .

Kinship Adoption Is Really Hard

I am feeling so sad about the way things are going for our family right now. My in-laws are really showing their true colors as a result of the approaching finalization of the adoption (of their grand-daughter - my husband's niece). I've always suspected that, despite protestations to the contrary, they have never really regarded me as part of 'their family.' Turns out that's true. Although K and I have been married for over eleven years, they still hold a longstanding (and asinine) grudge against my father (too stupid to go into). I, apparently, still bear the sins of my father. I have a huge and loving family (definitely NOT perfect, but very accepting) and his family have NEVER agreed to join us for holidays or any time that they perceive to be 'my family' time. It's always hurt me that they would not budge on this, but it's really coming to a head now.

We have decided to change our daughter's name, and we are giving her my grandmother's name as her first name and Grace as her middle name, reflecting the miracle of her entry into our family. The name she had did not have any family history (for her or for us). When we told the in-laws, their (HER) first response was "V?" (sneer) "where does that come from?" When K her that it was my grandmother's name and that she means very much to me, all we got was a sniff. Then, later, when she was saying goodbye to dd, she kept saying "Bye A" and when I gently and quietly said "VeeGee" she said, "Well, I'm just not ready for that yet." I didn't make much of it because she had just found out. I understand that it's going to take time getting used to. But, now, every time she sees VeeGee, she continues to call her A, insisting that she's just not used to it. She doesn't correct herself or anything.

Today, K was speaking to them and they were still protesting the change (it's been two months). They're angry that we're not offering an "olive branch" on the name issue. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Like, uprooting out entire existence, going into debt, wrenching our hearts out over this precious girl who was abandoned and most certainly going to be adopted by STRANGERS isn't "olive branch" enough?????!!!!!!! And then, piece de resistance, they asked K why we'd chosen a name that had nothing to do with VeeGee's family. Yep, I AM, APPARENTLY, NOT VeeGee'S FAMILY. Rich, huh? I'm so angry I could spit. And the worst thing is that this is really breaking K's heart. I don't want to keep ranting to him about this because I don't want to hurt him, and I don't ever want to sever VeeGee's ties with her grandparents, but I'M DONE being "their granddaughter" as they've called me for so long. (They're actually dh's grandparents, though they function more as his parent parents.)

NOTE TO FLAMERS/BIRTH MOTHERS: I've already been set on fire about the name change thing. That's a done deal as far as K and I are concerned. What I'm hurting over, what he's hurting over, is the fact that, apparently, membership in this larger family is conditional. And we're blindsided by that.

Name Update

Well, after quite a bit of soul-searching and lots of late night talks, K and I (together) have decided to go through with changing VeeGee's name. We're not using the name that I had *adamantly* insisted on, though. I'm so, so much happier with this new name that we mutually chose. That's what I wanted all along, for us to do this together and for it to have meaning to him as much as it does for me.

And the transition is going well. The new middle name/nickname has the same ending sound/syllable as her old first name/nickname, and when I ask her, "Are you *new name*?" she nods enthusiastically. AND she can say it so much easier than her old nickname.

So, today, we're telling the in-laws. Should be interesting. I'm thinking they're gonna hate it, but they never even said the other nickname right, instead calling her "insert terrible automobile name here" which is just awful, right?

I'm feeling very peaceful about this all. Finally.

AND tomorrow she gets her trach out!!!!!! HUGE MOMENT!

More Name Stuff

Last night I think I finally was able to communicate to K why it's so important to me. It's really not an ownership issue, though I think that there is something to that relative to my sister-in-law. For me, the issue is more about the spiritual nature of adoption itself. I see this experience as a spiritual and holy one, much like the adoption of gentiles into the family of God. I believe that A will be "grafted in" to our family - creating a new, and holy, family. A family, to use the adoption petition's own language, that will be as if A had been born to us. In fact, I believe that she WAS born to us, and will be born AGAIN to us in the formal act of adoption.

It's true that I don't like the name her birth mother chose for her. But, really, that's only a tiny part of the issue. I want to be a part of the name that she will carry into her life. It's really important to me.

I think that K finally is beginning to understand where I'm coming from. He said last night that he had thought that it was mostly an aesthetic thing for me. It's not. Lot of people have the name that A has now, lots of people think it's a beautiful name. That's irrelevant to me. I'd just like for her name to reflect and commemorate the experience we're going through, that she's going through.

Post Thanksgiving Post

A is doing pretty well. We're still really struggling with the reflux and the chest congestion, but, at the same time, she's talking and running like crazy. She's made lots of friends at school and loves, loves jumping on the trampoline at therapy (Santa's actually bringing her a mini therapy trampoline!). She also has lots of fun with her three cousins and her uncles. She's the belle of the ball for certain! A two-year-old ornery belle.

We are really looking forward to Christmas with her. It will be quite a change for us. K's mother passed away about four weeks ago, so it's bittersweet, but A has really been a comfort to him - a little piece of his mom still in the world. We are having to restrain ourselves from going too crazy. I've actually considered wrapping up toys from the bottom of her toybox that she hasn't seen in a while. That's awful, isn't it? But, my goodness, it can be expensive!!! She really doesn't need any more toys. I don't know what I'd do with them!

She is having surgery on the 11th of December to remove the pins from the jaw distraction. It moved her jaw forward 15 millimeters! She looks both the same and very different. And now she can make all kinds of noise. We are planning to have the trach removed in the first part of next year - isn't that amazing?!

Sad News

K's mom is in very grave condition. She's on life support and is not expected to recover. We already had to go to Nashville for an appt. at Vandy for A on Monday, so K's going to drop us off there today and head on up to Knoxville this afternoon. Please pray for him.

Secondly, A is struggling with a serious chest infection, which the anesthesiologists are very concerned about for surgery on Tuesday. If it has to be postponed it won't happen until after then new year.

A's jaw distraction is scheduled for September 11th. She'll be in the hospital for about 2-3 days and then she'll be in the distractor appliance for about three months - three weeks of which we'll be turning screws to pull her jaw forward. The reason that this surgery is necessary is because her airway is blocked by her tongue due to the fact that her jaw is recessed so severely. This is the reason why she has a trach and a feeding tube.

This surgery is has an extremely high rate of success, and we're really excited that she is going to be able to go ahead and have it done. The sooner she gets this done, the sooner her trach will come and and the sooner the g-tube can come out. It is extremely important that we get that tube out as soon as possible because of the risks to her development (particularly nutritionally) that having it in so long causes.

A doing SO great at school and in her therapies. She's learning new signs all the time and is really making huge progress in physical and occupational therapy. She's gained weight AND height, and her pediatrician is really pleased with where she is on the growth chart (even though she's in the 5th percentile, she is height/weight proportionate). She's also drinking A LOT of water with a regular cup these days, so much so that we have to watch out to make sure to close the toilet lid and tip over any water receptacles in the yard, or else she'll be chugging that down.

We're working on helping her learn her colors and to point at pictures in books. We read tons and tons of books. We also like to make music with our drums and the new rhythm wall that K and I have built for her in the backyard. So far we've got a "chime" made from recycled formula cans, a beer cap chain that jingles, and a bamboo mobile that makes very pretty sounds. Lexi likes to carry around utensils from the kitchen to bang on her new wall. We LOVE it!

Anyway, please continue to keep her in your prayers, and us too. It's been such a joy learning from and with her, and we are so grateful to have her in our lives.

She's Hatched!

It's a beautiful day in Knoxville, y'all. I'm sitting here in a tiny hotel room looking at awe at the tiny red-headed baby napping in a crib next to me. We went to court this morning and the state has given full legal custody and guardianship of A. We're stunned, elated, exhausted and really, really happy.

It has been an emotional week. Our social worker Tiffany was a regular Julie McCoy and had us hopping and running for three days straight. We got to spend some wonderful time with the foster family, which works with Youth Villages. A was their first baby to foster (for the past two months). They usually get older children. Foster Mom was just amazing. She completely fell in love with our little girl, and cried all day at court today even though she is so happy that A is going to get to be with family.

In fact, we have yet to meet someone who hasn't cried at the thought of A leaving their care. No joke. There's just something about this little one. She's an incredible fighter. Despite the trach and the g-tube, she runs and laughs and squeaks like crazy. She loves television, though we're planning on going cold-turkey off of that for a little while at least. Also, she looks just like K - in a good way.

Well, we'll write more later and will send some pictures soon. If you're tired of hearing our saga, please don't hesitate to let me know. I certainly don't want to bug anyone. We so appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers that have been sent up for us over the past two months. Things like this make us so grateful for the wonderful friendships with which we've been blessed!

Everybody's Got One

So, at about 8:30 last night I get a call from my mother. She was returning my call from earlier so I had to take it. Normally I would let voice mail get it - a habit cultivated from years of her alcoholism, though she's "sober" now. My husband was supposed to have taken her ice chests by her house earlier and had forgotten. She's headed to the lake for the holiday weekend so she really did need them.

Anyway, my normally saccharine mother was very curt. Sometimes this is a baiting technique she uses before unloading all of her incessant, interminable, and totally self-generated woes. She cannot stop herself from maintaining contact with her ex-husband the drunk felon (now serving time for his 1000th DUI). He's so awful, and I imagine that it was a conversation with him that prompted this evening's doldrums.

Deep sigh.... This time, however, in response to my two obligatory prods, she declares that she just can't talk to me because I always criticize her. That word "criticize," for my mother, is akin to murder. God forbid!

In a moment of clarity - who knows how - I just said "fine, goodbye."

And then I begin to feel like shit. I mean, I don't want her to be miserable, angry with me or anything, but I just can't fix her and I don't want to try either.

Have you heard that joke about the dude that goes to the doctor and says "doc it hurts when i do this" to which the doc replies, "so don't do that." That pretty much sums up both of us - except she's going to just keep doing what hurts. I think she actually likes it.

But I'm done with it.

In Hot Water

So, that didn't go over so well. Who knew hubby was gonna be all sentimental or particular? He didn't think the happy birthday card was "acceptable" (actually, he said HELL NO!) - that is, at first. I had to throw a fit and point out what a brilliant idea it was, and how, of course, his mom is so cool and funny and hip (nice touch, huh?) that she would get a big ole kick out of it.

I wore him down. But I think it's mostly because he didn't have a better idea (I suppose I could have suggested MAKING her a card - since he is an artist and all, but that would be giving in. And you bet your bootie I wasn't going to do that - not after his initial reaction!).

So, anyhow, the card's still sitting on the dining room table and he just called her instead...But she did ask about her card. Maybe I'm wrong about her being cool enough (since getting a card obviously mattered - YUCK). Do you think there are any of those sappy, crappy ones on markdown?

I'm a great daughter-in-law!

***

Happy Birthday Mom, I Suck

So, I bought my mother - and my husband's mother, and my step-mother - birthday cards instead of Mothers' Day cards. I figure, having to read the crap that they put in the MD cards is much worse than getting a BD card for the holiday. Don't get me wrong: I appreciate all these women and want to make sure to mark the (contrived) holiday at least so they'll know I remembered them. Actually, I appreciate them enough not to bore them with the ridiculously florid and sappy language that would NEVER come out of my mouth.

The step-mother is gonna think it's funny. She's no fan of Hallmark (though the best thankyou note writer in the world). Hopefully the other mothers will get the joke and not be insulted by the reality that I just got to the freakin' store too late to snatch up the funny or sincere cards.

In my typical birthordered sangfroid, I'd wager that my goofy brother doesn't even remember - he never does. And then my stupid card'll look great!!!!