Why Talk About Race?

I was recently involved in a discussion about how we should talk to our children about race, and someone mentioned that she never did, that race is not relevant in her daily conversations with her children.

I don't know, but it is relevant in a lot of the kinds of conversations that I have. Perhaps that's a geographical thing, but I think that even if I lived in an area that was not overtly or constantly affected by race relations and whatnot, I'd still consider it a relevant issue. I know that it's fashionable to say that it's a non-issue because that's supposed to signal that we aren't racist, that we do not exercise prejudice in regards to the color of people's skin. But the "we" here is generally comprised by those who are historically advantaged with the LACK of concern about how their race is going to be used against them economically, socially, etc. "We" can call it a non-issue because we aren't burdened by it personally. I think that, until there is real and consistent equality of opportunity (and by opportunity, I do not mean the mythical "idea" that we can all access the "American Dream" or the "Pull-Yourself-Up-By-Your-Bootstraps" myth) in our society, then conversations about race, down to the naming issue, ARE extremely relevant.

And I talk to my daughter about it, not because I want/need to point out difference for difference sake, but because I want her to be the type of person who is aware both of the privilege that society has historically bestowed on one race at the expense of others, and the fact that she has the power to move, not past, but fully into these issues. Hopefully, she will become a person who acknowledges the differences between people and does not easily dismiss other people's very real issues as "non-issues."

Talking About Race AND Racism

We talk about race (not just racism) as a positive, as an exploration of IDENTITY, of which race is a component. We talk about it as a teaching tool about history and culture, economics and politics. Women's rights and racism are not correlatives. Sexism and Racism, however, are. Can we agree that there is a difference between talking about an a set of ideas (like racism and sexism) and about the nature of things (race and gender)? I think these discussions are critical, and do not have to be negative, as it seems the "never comes up" idea would suggest.

To me, it's an emperor's new clothes kind of thing, a matter of truth telling. Pretending that there is no difference, that the emperor is clothed, simply causes problems to continue. If we can't/won't/don't talk about race, we don't have the right or wherewithal to talk about racism.

Perhaps putting it in a less socially charged example might help. If I see a child in a wheelchair at the playground, is it okay to ONLY tell my daughter not to make fun of that child? To IGNORE the fact that she has a disability? Nope, it's not. Because that does not respect the fullness of that child's identity, of which disability is a part. DD is much less likely to make fun of the child in the wheelchair when she understands why she's there. She knows that child has a disability, I'm the one who looks like an idiot if I pretend that's not the case. Just like the people watching the emperor's parade.

If talking about race, and not just racism, is taboo, then we've really gotten nowhere, no matter how progressive we like to think we are.

You Say African American, I Say Black

Where I live, a city that is, last time I heard, 60-70% Black, most people say "Black," unless it's in a very formal situation. My students definitely call themselves Black (and make fun of their "Crazy White Professor" ). And, btw, we talk about race A LOT (not just racism) in my classes, and would even if I never brought it up. I DO bring it up, though, and my students are generally very surprised and VERY relieved that I break the taboo. I know (from reading my evaluations) that this is something my students value about my classes. I talk about race because I find it to be one of the MOST productive teaching tools that I have.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about stereotypes, too. I can tell you that my students REALLY sit up and take notice when I make a statement that calls them on the carpet about their stereotypes, about things that are wrong or misguided, but, because they're never talked about elsewhere, my students hold as truth. I also make lots of fun of the stereotypes, using them to teach how and what language does for/against us.

Further, I teach my students that who they are, what they think, and where they came from are really really important parts of their scholarly endeavors. To pretend otherwise, that there's some objective story about the world that everyone has access to and buys into, is just dumb. When a young Black man in my class is writing about literature, he is writing from his experience AS A YOUNG BLACK MAN. For me to say that that is an invalid thing (by saying that there's not some defining something about being Black that informs his reading of any particular text) is extremely disrespectful, in my opinion, dehumanizing even. Further, I'm really honest with my students (from the very first day of class) that I'm looking at things as a short, Southern, liberal, White woman, who was raised in a relatively wealthy family, who believes such and such about the world, etc. etc. It's the truth, and to pretend otherwise is also dumb. I can/will never know what it's like to have their experience. And I'm not into getting all "White Guilt" about it - it's just the facts, ma'am.

The upshot is, in the end, that, because I set an example for my students that it's okay for all of us to be exactly who we are and that who we are is deeply informed by things like race, gender, economics, though not the full story. of my students have told me that they've never had an educational experience like what I create in the classroom. I'm totally not trying to toot my own horn, and there are DEFINITELY students that can't stand me, I'm just saying that, in my experiences of dealing with lots and lots of the "next generation" of Blacks and Whites in my area, acknowledging race, racism and other things has made for a very fruitful environment from which, both I and my students, can learn.


"Race Is An Externally Imposed Idea, There is Nothing Essential About It"

I think that this is a benighted -and perhaps sinister- idea and, though I understand it is fashionable in some misguided academic circles, should be eradicated. Post haste. To dismiss the experience of "being Black" because it is a socially constructed abstraction is, IMO, academic mumbo jumbo . I seriously doubt that it FEELS like an abstraction to anyone whose experience it is. I will claim forever and ever that my body (it's color, shape, gender, age, disabilities, assets, etc.) is an INTEGRAL PART of how I interpret texts, relationships, politics, etc. etc. etc. I imagine that the underlying assumption that your statement is trying to address is that there is no value to be assessed because of someone's race, gender, etc. And we can hope that we eventually reach that place. But, we're not there yet.

Yeah, But What About The Irish?

I hear this stuff a lot. White people, whose family history is one of poverty and displacement and other such things that are terrible, chafing at any sort of philosophical/linguistic reparations toward Blacks on the "well what about us" premise. I think it's weak. Weak weak weak.

Let's take Bill Clinton and Barack Obama as examples. Now, NO ONE was going to NOT vote for Clinton because he was raised by a single mother of very humble means. There were plenty of reasons that people might not vote for him, but those were NOT two of them. As a matter of fact, MUCH was made of these "humble" beginnings. It's classic Americana, right?

But for Obama, there were PLENTY of people who would never vote for him because of his race (and he's not even descended from slaves!). And even though he won, he had to answer - over and over and over - questions about that identity. About what allegiances could/should be presumed because of his race. Was he Black enough? Was he White enough? Would he be assassinated because of his race? And we were CONSTANTLY aware that this was a BLACK man that we'd nominated. He worked really hard to downplay that in some ways, but I'm glad that he did not shoo it completely away from his rhetoric - BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.

Now, we've had ten presidents who've been of Irish descent. TEN. The Irish-American population in America is estimated to be about 40,000,00 - pretty much the same number as Blacks. So, clearly, there is a disproportionate balance of power here. Equal numbers of people and a 10-1 ratio of representation in the highest office in America. Now, of course, not every Black person voted for Obama, and not every person of Irish descent voted for the ten presidents of Irish descent. But that actually furthers the point: people of Irish descent either are acceptable enough to the "general public" OR they've assimilated so much that they can "pass."


A Whole Month of Black History, and The Kids Don't Know Nuthin'

My theory about why their NOT retaining the information is that it's so "neatly" compartmentalized into one month. And the kids eyes start glazing over because they assume that they're going to be presented with redundant information. And I'm thinking they probably are. I'd really love to see our curriculum integrated so that the accomplishments of Americans are studied as a body of history. I'm not suggesting that we ignore, or stop noting, "firsts" from Blacks, women, etc., just that we do not treat it as if it were such a revolutionary idea that anything could be achieved by one of these groups.

I think we should quit marginalizing and compartmentalizing Black history as if it were something entirely separate from, and only the interest/province of Blacks. We have ALL benefited from George Washington Carver's inventions (but do you know who Lewis Latimer is?), we don't have to be Black to enjoy reading James Baldwin (at least I hope not, because he's one of my very favorite authors), we don't have to be Black to feel moved by Miles Davis's music (even though he didn't like White people so much). I am NOT saying that we forget that these people were Black, but that we are proud of them as an integrated part of American history - not just some "one month curriculum."

I guess my point, in the end, is that we do have to talk about race, not just racism. And the more we talk about it the more we are able to sweep away the fears and misunderstandings that the conversation initially brings to surface.

Why Not Sign?

I just had this conversation with VeeGee's ST (speech therapist) yesterday about whether or not we should be focusing more on signing with VeeGee to help her communicate. VeeGee has been taking fish oil for about three months and her language ability (caveat in a moment) has increased dramatically. What I mean by ability, though, is that she is stringing longer and longer sentences together and clearly producing much more abstract thoughts/statements. Problem is, her apraxia itself has not improved enough to make her speech any more intelligible. In fact, because her sentences have gotten so much longer and now include non-concrete things that aren't in the immediate vicinity, she is actually harder to understand. Pair this with her increased desire to communicate, and you can imagine the mounting frustration.

Anyway, I asked her ST about whether or not ASL would help VeeGee and she said that it wouldn't necessarily be the best use of time/resources for her because she would have such a learning curve to catch up with the words she's already "using" that it might actually slow her down. Also, she said that it's important for VeeGee to keep trying to verbally communicate, since not everyone is going to understand her with ASL anyway, and so her frustration at not being able to say/be understood wouldn't necessarily go away. Finally, she suggested (a while back, and we have ordered) a augmentative communication device which, she thinks, is going to do more to help her with the motor planning aspect of her apraxia (because of the time/planning it takes to find the correct button) PLUS it will give her a "voice," which she can then mimic.

Now, if VeeGee had had a better foundation pre-verbal with ASL the story may be different, but that's not the case. When she came to us she was using a very limited amount of sign but immediately abandoned it whenever a verbal approximation achieved the communication that she was attempting. I think it has to do with the impulse that children with apraxia have. It's my understanding that, generally, the desire is pretty high to be able to communicate verbally and the outlet that ASL provides is still just a band-aid - a good band-aid in many cases, yes, but not always, because it doesn't actually treat the problem but rather is simply a coping mechanism and/or stop-gap.

Velopharyngeal sphincter reconstruction for VPI/VPD

We had our (I say "our" which is kind of funny, huh?!) nasal endoscopy yesterday (she was such a CHAMP!!!!!!). They found that VeeGee has an enlarged adenoidal pad, which actually works in her favor, strangely, because she is not closing the gap at all. Her soft palate is raising a bit, but the muscles to either side (I can't find the name for them anywhere) are not moving at all. SO, she is not going to be a good candidate for a pharyngeal flap because that would still leave gaps on either side of the flap. The SLP suggested a sphincteroplasty instead. Problem is, that would require removal of her adenoids, which are currently helping her.

I'm not finding much info on it at all. We're supposed to be meeting with the plastic surgeon again on Monday (ANOTHER 3 hour drive to Nashville) and I'm wondering if that's really going to be necessary since he's the flap guy and our other ENT/Otolaryngologist is the sphincteroplasty guy.

I hate the idea of another surgery, but, at the same time I do want to keep pushing ahead with the things that are going to increase her speech abilities. Also, I'm uncertain about our future insofar as jobs/insurance/location go and I'd really like to take care of as many things as I can as soon as is feasible/desirable in case we don't have access to these doctors and this hospital that we love so much in the future.

Okay, that was a total ramble . .

Sharing Mommyhood

I didn't exactly come to adoption expecting anything at all (it was an emergency kinship placement, of three weeks "gestation"), but my feelings about my place and my daughter's birthmother's place in her life have changed, and are changing, over time.

I was very angry at first and unwilling to share any bit of mommyhood. I totally think that that is normal. But, as I've grown into the role of mommy, I've begun to understand that my feelings about her birthmother are kind of unimportant insofar as what she actually is to my daughter. She is my daughter's first mother. That's a love it or leave it kind of issue - can't change it. And it used to just feel beyond crappy to not have that place reserved for myself. But, I now have an understanding that this is just a part of adoption that exists, whether that adoption is closed or open, domestic or international. The adopted child will always carry a piece of his/her birthmother with him/her and vice versa.

Now, does that make it a bad thing? No. It is what it is. My reality is that I have a daughter who LOVES me, adores me and whom I adore. I am Mommy. A real mommy. All the other stuff really just has started to fade. There may (probably will) be times when it will surface painfully again, but I'm trying to lay a foundation for myself and for VeeGee, and even with her birthmom, where we are comfortable talking about it and dealing with it.

The heart is an amazing thing. I'm findin an ability to be accepting of more openness than I'd ever dreamed possible. For me, this has been nothing short of a miracle, and I'm truly in awe of how being a mother has changed the way I see things.

On Being an Adoptive Mom

Notes to Potential Moms:

As time passes I find that I feel more and more confident in the permanence of my role as VeeGee's mother. And I find that I am more comfortable with her birthmother's permanent role, though that is an evolving relationships to be sure. But I can't tell you that it's easy looking into the future and believing that there will most likely be hurdles that just can't happen, for better or for worse, when the adoption is closed or international.

The thing is, I don't think that international, domestic, closed or open really changes the feelings that you as a mother are going to feel about your position in the "mother continuum" and the fragility of the bonds that hold you to your child. That is simply one of the aspects of adoption that makes me truly believe that counseling must be a component of the process. If you're worried about this as you're confronted with the possibility of an domestic-open adoption, I think that can be a good signal for you that you might have some of those sorts of feelings regardless of the nature of your adoption. And it's a good thing to be thinking about. Certainly, it's not a thing that would/should/could derail your plans, just another issue that you now have advance notice of.

Kinship Adoption

In many ways I think that kinship adoption is much more challenging than typical adoption - for everyone concerned. One of the big things is that we weren't looking to be parents, at least not of this child. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, but the lack of intention really has completely shaped the way we've grown into being parents, a family. I joke that we had a three week gestation period, but, really that's pretty much what happened.

I am frequently told that I "saved" my child; and it is suggested that K and I are some kind of heroes. I am most definitely not a "hero" or a "savior," and, while I am so glad that I have VeeGee and she me, I would much rather have had her have a happy and safe home-life with her birthmother. I refuse to buy in to any "meant to be" stuff because that means that VeeGee's suffering was "meant to be." In my heart, somehow, there was a place that VeeGee definitely moved - way before she became my daughter or was taken from her mother - and I can't explain that except to say that, maybe, the mom in me was already clued in to what was happening to her and was preparing me to be ready. I did know, somehow, that she would end up with us. But that did not make me happy because it was a result of suffering.

As to her birthmother: I have known this young woman since she was six years old, loved her as a sister. She is, and always has been, a very sweet person. She's had a VERY fucked up life. She was WAY too young to be a mother to any child, and VeeGee's severe and multiple disabilities made it even more difficult. Her and K's mother, who died last October, had very very involved multiple sclerosis and was completely bedridden and needed as much involved care as VeeGee did. Her father, who hasn't worked since she was born, has the worst raging temper of anyone I've seen. They lived in the grossest squalor I've ever personally witnessed.

Birthmom's biggest "crime" was that she refused to accept help when it was offered to her, she let her pride get in the way. It was very costly, almost to the point of VeeGee's death. I call it abuse because that is what DCS called it, because that is how I "read" allowing your child to suffer the way that VeeGee suffered, though I understand that many would call this neglect - I guess, for me, for now, "abuse" is a semantic coping tool. I also call it abuse because I know, from witnessing it firsthand, that Bmom's father was very rough with VeeGee (and his wife) when attending to her needs, and that she allowed that to happen and continue. Still, in my calmest moments, I know that Bmom really does love her and just was, herself, disabled.

I got an e-mail this morning from Bmom thanking me for allowing the visit last week. She apologized for the short notice and promised to be more consistent with her contact. She also sent me, per our request, a picture of VeeGee's bdad. Zoiks! He could be K's brother, which explains why VeeGee looks more like K (her half-uncle) than Bmom.

In the end I know beyond everything else that I need to work on being as peaceful and generous as I can within the bounds of keeping VeeGee safe. Anger does not a good mother make. I'm hopeful that we can grow into a peaceful relationship. I am not going to co-parent with Bmom, but I do want VeeGee to have as many people around her that love her as she can.

Surprise Visit - Part 3

It was a crazy day because of the fact that we waited all.day.long for K's aunt to arrive from Chicago - the flight that was supposed to get in at 11:45 didn't get in until 5 (bless her heart!) because of ice and whatnot. We were pretty much in limbo waiting for updates and so K was actually home most of the day with VeeGee too, so we got lots of family time (oh, and one of our dogs ran away and we had to go looking for her in the ice/rain for an hour - we eventually found her, the brat. VeeGee is still walking around hollering, "Sula, w'ah you?" ).

So, we finally got out to grandparents house after dark at about 6:15, which is something I explicitly did NOT want (an evening visit). VeeGee had fallen asleep in the car (of course) and had a giant poopy diaper. I had to go directly in and change the sleeping baby, which was actually great for me to kind of catch my breath and re-rehearse with VeeGee the names of the people she was about to see. I asked her if she wanted to walk out there and she said "no" - odd because she LOVES it there, it's like her own little queendom, the way grandparents' houses often are - so I carried her, with her head buried in my neck .

Her reaction was strange. I said, "Oh wow, look we have friends here to see us! Look, there's Grandaddy and Uncle T. and Bmommy (we are using her first name), do you want to say, 'Hi'?" She clung to me pretty hard and when I walked closer to anyone, even her grandparents that she knows and loves, she turned away. It was odd because she had been chatting it up with the aunt that we'd picked up from the airport.

Anyway, so that went on for a while. She finally got out of my lap and huddled behind me on the couch. Eventually she started kind of doing the peek-a-boo thing and then, when she realized there were PRESENTS!!!! under the tree for her (!!!) she climbed down and went to it. That was lots of fun and I was impressed with the presents that they brought for her - they'd really actually thought about it, which was just really really wonderful. I thanked them a bunch.

It was also nice because we could all sit there watching her without the need for much conversation. As K said it later, "She was ON! Like a rockstar!!" I mean she was giggly, happy, and all-around hilarious to watch. We had to stop her or she'd have opened all the gifts that weren't for her (though I doubt anyone would have cared). She also sang with the music that they had playing (through the Christmas tree - tinny Christmas carols that made me want to cringe after just a few minutes ).

By the end of the evening she had given out plenty of hugs to everyone, said lots of thankyous and iloveyous and Birthmom even got a snuggle and a picture.

When we got back in the car she actually said, "Whew!" and then a little later, "No more people mommy, daddy." We assured her that that was all for the evening. And then we did our nightly Christmas light tour. All in all it was a pretty remarkably wonderful evening.

For me, it was deeply, deeply special that she clung to me and was very clear in her attachment to me. We've really worked so hard for this and it was just a blessing. In a way, too, I think that it made bmom feel good - at least she seemed to be pleased and amused - to see VeeGee confident in her place with us. During the entire evening there were no name slip-ups (a huge relief) and both bmom and grandaddy referred to K and I as daddy and mommy.

We know that there's a very good chance that we won't hear from them again for a long time (though bmom, who had thought she was coming for New Years instead of Christmas, said that she had ordered presents for VeeGee that weren't scheduled to arrive until after Christmas and that she'd send them along when they came in). Still, for the evening that it was whether it was a one-time thing or not, it was good.

Merry Christmas.

Surprise Visit! Part 2

Okay, so we're going to the grandparents today at 11:45 for The Visit. I've been preparing VeeGee all morning by showing her pictures of her birthmom (which she really hates to see for some reason) and her grandaddy. I've also spent a bunch of skin-on-skin time with her laughing and tickling and doing deep pressure therapy. Finally, I've been helping her pronounce birthmom's name (we've chosen to use her first name just like we've done with her other aunts and uncles) and telling her about who all is going to be at the visit.

We also decided to pick up K's aunt who's flying in and take her when we go so that there will be more than just the VeeGee-bmom-grandaddy "event" going on and so VeeGee will feel less pressure to be the focus of everything.

Y'all, I'm so nervous, and sad, and worried. But I'm trying to leave that gunk here instead of bringing it out there. I want VeeGee to read total safety and relaxation coming off of me so that she can also feel those things.

Surprise!

We just got a call a little while ago that VeeGee's bmom is going to arrive from across the state this evening and is staying until, well, we don't even know, could be New Years. This is the first we've heard of it (they weren't even the ones who called to let us know) and we already have a houseful of children that we're watching for my sister (OVERLOAD CITY!!!!!!!!).

We also found out that they ("they" are bmom and her father) have been lying and telling K's grandparents that we don't return their calls and never call them. Holy SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have received exactly three phone calls from bmom since bringing VeeGee home. That would be three phone calls in almost two years. And we've sent e-mails, birthday videos from VeeGee, and have called many many times (they don't answer their phones because they dodge bill collectors constantly and/or have them disconnected).

K. I are so angry we could spit.

(P.S. It's really and truly not that we want to keep these people away from VeeGee- it just needs to be on OUR terms which are based on care and concern for VeeGee (things which clearly they do not have).

One of the things that is so amazing and painful about this is that K's grandparents (also birthmom's grandparents, my de facto mother and father -in-laws) consistently seem to choose sides on this, and the side that they choose is bmom's: the one who WILLFULLY abused and neglected VeeGee (the child they absolutely adore), almost to the point of her death. Basically, they are calling us liars when we tell them about the lack of contact.

We always invite K's grandparents for Christmas Eve (they have never ever come because it's mostly the evening that we spend with my dad and his dad, who is their ex-son-in-law - they HATE both my dad and K's dad) and I think they expect to be invited also. For me, that night is the most important and meaningful part of the entire season and is pretty sacrosanct. I'm just not ready to bring them into the mix.

Generally we don't even see his grandparents on Christmas - sometimes the day after, but usually we wait til New Year's Day because that is K's grandfather's birthday.

The way they are, I'm pretty sure that they just expect us to drop everything and go to the grandparents tomorrow and the next day. I'm so up to my eyeballs with VeeGee and my sister's three kids (one of which is a one-year-old), I just need to stay in one place. Not to mention the fact that I'm hosting dinner on Christmas Eve and have to get the house ready (in the midst of all these kids!) for the company that I was already expecting. I've already bought food, too, so that would be another thing . . . . . UGH.

Okay, so we'll call them "InchStones"

VeeGee licked pudding off of her fingers (three weeks in a row!!!!!!!) at feeding therapy without coercion OR gagging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday in speech therapy they were playing with play-doh and her therapist cut out a "cookie" which VeeGee, with a bit of doubt in her eyes, picked up and licked (I guess she's starting to get the hang of the routine!). However, she was none pleased with the taste and said, "Play doh tastes yucky!" (Also an inchstone!!!!!!!) Yes, VeeGee, play-doh is yucky tasting. But YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!