Chosen . . . Meant To Be?

I read a very interesting beginning of a discussion about these two phrases in references to adoption. The word "chosen" does seem all wrong to me - for SO many reasons, but mostly, in the end, because of what it might do to a little one's self-esteem.

As to "meant to be," that's more complicated. I'm not sure who said it in the other thread, but it's like it was meant to be in a certain sense, and yet, surely the pain of the event that landed us here at adoption cannot have been meant to be, either for VeeGee or for her birth mom. But, on the other hand, I feel so deeply that there was this eerie connection between us the very first time I met her (a year before custody of her was even a faint question or possibility). I somehow knew that we'd end up being her parents. I even told K that. (I know it's corny, but that's why I'm drawn to the red thread myth.)

So, how might I tell her this story in such a way that doesn't indicate that I think the things that happened to her had to happen to her? I know it's time for us to begin thinking about how we tell her her story, and I'm so concerned about doing it the right way, a way that includes all of her history, but doesn't wound her further.

The more I think about it the more I realize how very intimate this conversation will be, must be, and, as such, it will evolve out of the intimacy of our relationship as the relationship evolves. It really can't be scripted, especially not right now. I guess my asking this of myself at this stage is like asking myself why I was getting married on the day I did. I needed to have an answer for that day, but I didn't need for that answer to be the be-all-end-all answer for eternity (thank God!!!). Really, I don't think I had a clue about why I was doing it . . . it was actually the "I looked in your eyes . . . " That's not to say that that sentiment has gone away. In fact, it has only increased and become clearer.

That said, I do need to begin to decide on some of the terms of the story, bmom's name, for instance, because it does come up. Also, we were such starkly, vehemently, childless for so long that I am still very frequently explaining the situation (though with fewer and fewer details as I realize how much language she's acquiring lately) to people who haven't seen us in "the scene" in a while. .........

And then there was more rain.

It has rained far too much this spring. I've got plants all over my yard in pots because the ground's been too wet to plant them. It's a pity. Something like this, well, nothing like this, but something to cause planting procrastination, namely the unexpected acquisition of a two year old redheaded child, happened last year, and so there are several lovely ferns that are pleading with me to give their roots some long awaited room to wiggle. Hopefully Saturday will be sunny enough to dry the ground a bit.

As is typical for me, I would rather do just about anything than the work that I'm supposed to be doing. I have several projects that I just cannot seem to bring to conclusion. Fellow procrastinators, what is it that causes this? I mean, it's not, actually, that I wait to the last minute. No, I don't wait to begin things at all. I just don't finish. I keep on working, or, at least, I keep on thinking, on the project: how can I make it better? what else do I need to include? have I covered all the bases? what the hell was the original assignment?

It's become so ridiculous that I've carried several Incompletes forward with me throughout graduate school. Please tell me someone else has done this and survived to actually get a job.

Oh, and that's the other thing. I am at that point in my career where it's time to start sending out the CV, figuring out what's next. And what do I find myself doing yesterday? Yep, looking in to PhD programs in ANOTHER discipline. Ugh - what's wrong with me?

So, rainy Thursday, I yield myself to the project at hand. I sign off with hope.

Long Lost Blogger

I received an e-mail yesterday from a grad school friend who's pretty awesome. She said that she'd come across my old blog and wondered if I was still writing. Bah, writing? I'm just trying to finish that dratt thesis book thing. But, I thought, I do force my students to blog, telling them that the practice of writing every day is so good for them.

Shall I practice what I preach?

Well, I have to admit that my blogging hiatus has been caused in no small amount by the fear of "wasting" all my good writing, or my writing energy, or brilliant ideas on a blog - instead of on something for which I might get paid (or at least which will contribute to my thesis). Has anyone else entertained that fear?

But, I think, since the productivity is just about nil at this point, may as well waste away, huh? Maybe it'll get the juices flowing. God knows I need some juice.

So, this felt good, and Barney's coming on, so now I'll have to go do something else. VeeGee needs my attention (oh, and there's another reason for the hiatus).

Here's hoping I can keep this up. Wouldn't that be great? Yep, it would.

What Day Is It Again?

Well, it's been a pretty good day. VeeGee is extremely cabin feverish, but not so regular feverish, so that's good (and not so good). She's so ready to get out of here, and I think we'll be doing just that sometime tomorrow! Yeeehaa!! It's pretty late, and she's still not asleep so I'm going to play possum for a bit in hopes that she'll go to sleep and let me work for a moment or two (not able to get much of anything done here in the hospital with so many interruptions and, oh, the crying baby and all ........). Much love to everyone - I hope to see you all soon. Wendy & VeeGee

Happy Saturday

Happy Saturday! I hear there were some lovely storms yesterday in Memphis, but that today is beautiful. I'm glad. It's nice here (we have a lovely view of building tops!).

VeeGee really well last night, but continued to run a fever through the night, even with the Tylenol. I think partly because the palate is closed and partly because she's sleeping with her mouth open, but she is snoring like crazy!!! It makes me think about my great grandmother and grandmother - the champion snorers of all time! I think VeeGee have given them a run for their money if she'd had the chance. Her doctor was in this morning and said that her palate was looking good, but that she was a little concerned about the fever (not too much). She had thought we might get to go home this weekend, but it looks like we'll be here at least another day or so, which was really the original estimate. We were just hopeful because we don't have to wait for her to start eating (we'd be here a good long while if we had to do that, I'm afraid!) because of her g-tube. Oh well. We had some good play time this morning and a nice bubble bath. I got some grainy pictures from my laptop cam that I'm posting here in a minute. Say prayers for VeeGee that the fever will break and the pain will begin to lessen. She's so brave and funny, you'd all be so proud of her. Thanks for loving us. Wendy & VeeGee

Night in ICU

Today's been a roller coaster! Nights in ICU are not like those in a regular room. There's lots of light and beeping - full windows on all sides. VeeGee is connected to lots of wires, and for whatever reason the leads monitoring her heart are adult-sized, so they're pretty uncomfortable. She's also on a pulse-ox monitor, an IV tube and her feeding tube - in all, seven tubes/wires, bless her heart! As usual she's a firecracker and a champ! What an awesome personality - I'm so proud of her. We had fun playing and talking with Daddy on the phone this morning. Soon enough, she'll be able to pronounce the "d" sound and will stop saying "ah-ee" for "daddy." I think we'll kind of miss that. The doctor came in around eleven and said that she was looking great. Again, because of her feeding tube (!!!!), she may be able to come home much sooner than they had originally told us - maybe even this weekend. One concern, though. Once they backed off of the Tylenol from every 4 hours to every 6, she started running a fever. There are a couple of possible reasons for this. First, it could be because she was particularly angry at the time that we took her temp., and second, it could be that the Tylenol had just been keeping the fever at bay. I'm a bit inclined, unfortunately, to think it's the latter in this case since VeeGee generally runs a low temp (around 96, usually), and so any fever is actually more of a fever than it would be for other kiddos. Also, she just had a fevered look in her eyes. After the Tylenol, though, she's back to her "fair-to-midland" self. So, we'll just cross our fingers. BTW - we are about to be (finally) transferred to a regular room. YAY!!!!!

ICkeyU

First night in ICU went relatively smoothly. VeeGee is truly a redhead, and that fact is FREQUENTLY noted by all who try to touch her! She's not a big fan of, well, pretty much any of the things attached to her. The one that seems to freak her out the most is kind of interesting

to me. The pulse-ox monitor is attached to her finger with a little band-aid looking thing and it has a little red light that puts me in mind of E.T. Well, she really, really hates it. Always has. I feel for her, I want to convince her how really cool it actually looks. We've gotten a good look at her mouth now. It's pretty interesting looking. I'm glad that the doctor warned me. It looks like there's a second tongue in there! The palate that he create has not completely adhered yet - that'll take a few days - so it really looks like a tongue up there. There's a fair amount of bleeding and her face/eyes/lips/tongue are all pretty swollen. Still, she's as pretty as a picture. We're hoping to be in a regular room by this evening. As always, thanks for your sweet notes, and your prayers.