Thursday, May 29, 2008

Chosen . . . Meant To Be?

I read a very interesting beginning of a discussion about these two phrases in references to adoption. The word "chosen" does seem all wrong to me - for SO many reasons, but mostly, in the end, because of what it might do to a little one's self-esteem.

As to "meant to be," that's more complicated. I'm not sure who said it in the other thread, but it's like it was meant to be in a certain sense, and yet, surely the pain of the event that landed us here at adoption cannot have been meant to be, either for VeeGee or for her birth mom. But, on the other hand, I feel so deeply that there was this eerie connection between us the very first time I met her (a year before custody of her was even a faint question or possibility). I somehow knew that we'd end up being her parents. I even told K that. (I know it's corny, but that's why I'm drawn to the red thread myth.)

So, how might I tell her this story in such a way that doesn't indicate that I think the things that happened to her had to happen to her? I know it's time for us to begin thinking about how we tell her her story, and I'm so concerned about doing it the right way, a way that includes all of her history, but doesn't wound her further.

The more I think about it the more I realize how very intimate this conversation will be, must be, and, as such, it will evolve out of the intimacy of our relationship as the relationship evolves. It really can't be scripted, especially not right now. I guess my asking this of myself at this stage is like asking myself why I was getting married on the day I did. I needed to have an answer for that day, but I didn't need for that answer to be the be-all-end-all answer for eternity (thank God!!!). Really, I don't think I had a clue about why I was doing it . . . it was actually the "I looked in your eyes . . . " That's not to say that that sentiment has gone away. In fact, it has only increased and become clearer.

That said, I do need to begin to decide on some of the terms of the story, bmom's name, for instance, because it does come up. Also, we were such starkly, vehemently, childless for so long that I am still very frequently explaining the situation (though with fewer and fewer details as I realize how much language she's acquiring lately) to people who haven't seen us in "the scene" in a while. .........

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