weepy day

i feel like crying. it's so stupid, but i feel weepy and sad and happy and worried and in-love and frightened and my heart is craving my lover in a way that sends electricity up and down my arms into my legs. i keep getting cold, not like a chill but more like a welling up of cold inside me - it gurgles up and heaves through me, then fades.

i'm having heart surgery on friday. and the anticipation is doing strange things to my mind and my body. i didn't sleep last night and the night before i woke up gasping for breath. as i gasped for breath K stroked my head and told me how much he loves me. all i've wanted to do for days is make love to him.

i'm going to be ok - it's actually not that big of a deal. and i haven't been afraid until the other day when i realized that i needed to do a living will. something hit me that made me know that i wanted to be alive. it's not that i haven't wanted to be alive before, but it's a different sort of longing for life that i've never experienced. and it mostly manifests itself when i think about K. i want to hold him and press my face into his chest and never go anywhere.